Halloween Muffin Massacre

Cast:
Narrator
Townspeople
Muffins (Otis, 1-4, 17, Young Muffin Leader, Young Muffin 1-3)
The Muffin Man

Scene 1

Narrator: It is All Hallow's Eve. All the children in the town of Niffum-Nap are preparing for the night's festivities; waiting as their mother's place the finishing touches on their costumes, making sure they have their candy bucket or bag, meeting up with friends to go trick-or-treating in groups. Everything about the town is busy with excitement. Meanwhile, there is a disturbance at the town dump. For many years this has been the resting place of the town's discarded muffins, but now they intend to change that. They are banding together to form the greatest muffin militia that has never been seen! Their leader, Otis, is overseeing this gathering of the deceased pastries...
[exit narrator, enter Otis & other muffins]
Otis: Ok, so. You there, fetch me some coffee. You, see if you can salvage any utensils suitable for combat. And you [to Muffin 17] see to it that the freshest are brought to me for inspection immediately.
Muffin 17: Yes, sir. I'll be back in a flash. [exit Muffin 17]
Otis: Ok everybody, listen up. This is important. Hey, I SAID LISTEN UP! That's more like it. Ok, so you all know why we have gathered here tonight?
All: Yes, sir!
Otis: Tell me.
All: REVENGE!
Otis: [laughs] Yes, revenge. Revenge against those that wished to see us rot here, in an eternal limbo between edible and stale. But tonight, we shall prove them wrong. Tonight, they shall remember, and regret that they ever tried to rid themselves of our muffiny goodness!
[cheering; enter Muffin 17]
Otis: Well? Where are the fresh recruits?
Muffin 17: [nervously] Sir, there appears to be a problem.
Otis: And what is this problem?
Muffin 17: Well, they're gone. I went to the barracks and they were empty. Sir, I think they went on without us.

Otis: What?! You mean to tell me that we lost our element of surprise, because those imbeciles went on ahead? [irritated]
[crowd is growing uneasy]
Muffin 3: Master, what is it? What's wrong? Are we going to post-pone the attack for another year?
Otis: NO! We are done waiting. The time for the assault is nigh. They shall be frozen with fear when they see our arrival. No matter that the fresh ones have gone on ahead - they have yet to see our full force!
[cheering]
Muffin 1: But what are we going to do now? They were an important part of the plan.
Otis: Haven't you ever heard of improvisation? We're not helpless just because the fresh ones left us. We'll come up with a new plan - a better plan!
[cheering]
Otis: Now, let us continue our preparations. We must prove to the humans that there is more to us than a group of young trigger-happy morons. Off you go!

[end scene]

Scene 2

Narrator: Meanwhile, back in town...
[exit Narrator, enter townspeople]
Children: [ring doorbell] Trick-or-treat!
Woman at Door: Aw, a ladybug - how cute! And what a nice muffin costume! [hands them candy]
Child: What muffin costume?
Woman at Door: Well that one right there behind you. [points]
Child: [looking back] That's not a costume... [children scream and run away]
[enter Young Muffin Militia]
1st Young Muffin: AHAHAHAHAHA! Run little humans, run away!
2nd Young Muffin: FLEE IN TERROR FROM OUR MIGHT!
3rd Young Muffin: You can run but you can't hiiiide!
Young Muffin Leader: Muffins! Come, gather 'round! Ok, good. Now, the next part of the plan-
[enter Otis & his Muffin Militia]
Otis: MALCOLM! What is the meaning of this?!

Young Muffin Leader: The meaning of what, Otis? Our successful preemptory attack that you failed to devise yourself?
Otis: No. How DARE you defy my authority! No matter that you were "successful". The plan I had set in place would have worked fine had you done as you were told! Instead, your incompetence has cost us a great deal of time and energy.
Young Muffin Leader: Ah, but what about now? Your "plan" is ruined because of our "incompetence", as you put it; so how do you intend to continue?
Otis: We came up with another plan. It is nowhere near the greatness as the previous plan but that is not important - it will work, with or without your assistance. Now come, to the grocer!

[end scene]

Scene 3

Otis: Ok now remember. Grab anything you can, but keep in mind that time is of the essence - we don't want to let too many people get away while we waste our time inside.
[cheering, Otis & Muffin Militia enter door]
Muffin 2: Master, you said you wanted sporks right?
Otis: Yes, now hurry up!
Muffin 2: Yes, sir! [grabs sporks off shelf]
Muffin 1: Hum. I'm supposed to be freeing these muffins but I can't figure out how to get this package open... [fiddles with box] Ah, there it is! Be free, brothers and sisters! Fight back against your captors!
Otis: Yes, yes! The plan is working! Awaken from your ridiculously-long-named-ingredient-induced slumber! Awaken and attack! Arm yourselves with sporks and GOUGE THEIR EYES OUT! [cackles maniacally]

[end scene]

Scene 4

Muffin 17: [to Otis] Sir, I have some unfortunate news.
Otis: What is it this time?
Muffin 17: Well it's about Muffin 4-
Otis: Muffin 4?! What happened to him?! Out with it boy!
Muffin 17: He is in critical condition. He seems to have been run over by a giant spool.
Otis: A giant spool?
Muffin 17: Yes, that is correct.
Otis: You're telling me that my second-in-command was defeated by a spool of thread?

Muffin 17: In his defense, sir, the spool was rather large.
Otis: It doesn't matter how big the thing was, the fact still remains that he was overpowered by a spool! Not a human, a living being, but an inanimate spool of sewing thread!
Muffin 17: I'm very sorry. He may yet pull through, but the chances are very slim.
Otis: Will that be all?
Muffin 17: Yes, sir.
Otis: You are dismissed then.
[exit Muffin 17]
Otis: Attention everyone! There has been a slight change of plan. It has come to my attention that Muffin 4 has been seriously wounded. In his place, I would like Muffin 2 to take charge. I know he might not be familiar to you all but you will treat him with the same respect as you treated Muffin 4. I have no doubts that he will be a fine commander.
[general murmurings, Muffin 2 approaches Otis]
Muffin 2: Thank you, sir. This means a lot to me. I won't let you down!
Otis: Let us hope not. Now, continue the attack! We don't want to be caught off-guard.

[end scene]

Scene 5

Muffin 3: [to male townsperson] No escape for the little humans! [stabs him with a spork] Ah the satisfaction of revenge.
Muffin 1: [to townschild] oOo a spooky ghost! How frightening - NOT! [chases screaming child away]
Muffin 3: [to female townsperson] And this is for throwing me away! I'm not "an unhealthy waste"! [slashes at her with a spork]
Muffin 2: THIS IS FOR MY BROTHER! [runs wildly through a crowd of townspeople, slashing them with titanium sporks]
Muffin 17: Maybe next time you'll think twice before discarding unfinished food! [attacks a mob of townspeople trying to flee]
[enter Narrator]
Narrator: And so the fighting continues. The Muffin Militia is quite successful, while still suffering the occasional casualty - most of the townspeople are too frightened to fight back. Then the Militia happens upon the home of The Muffin Man...
[exit Narrator, enter Muffin Man]

Otis: [whispers to companions] Behold: the home of The Muffin Man. If not for him we would not be here today to perform this accomplishment. We owe him our life, and as such his will be spared. The Muffin Man is not to be harmed.
[group nods agreement]
The Muffin Man: My children... What have I done? Have I created monsters?
Otis: Father.. father, it is us. We are no monsters. We seek only to right what has been wronged. Is it really your wish for us to have stayed to slowly rot in that cursed place? To have such a noble life taken away for such greedy and inconsiderate reasons as "being full?"
The Muffin Man: Of course not. But your purpose in life is to be eaten by us, not to attack us. If we - they - choose to dispose of you without finishing, that is their choice. It is not up to you to "seek revenge." I hope this all makes sense to you.
Otis: Yes... yes, I see. So you're saying that we should give up on this crusade and return to the dump, content with having fulfilled our purpose in life?
The Muffin Man: That is exactly what I'm saying.
Otis: Well that just changes everything. And to think I lost so many to this fruitless escapade. I feel so foolish.
The Muffin Man: No, don't. Your intentions were sound, but not justified. Maybe in the next life you will be a valiant soldier!
Otis: Perhaps. Well, I suppose this is goodbye then.
The Muffin Man: Goodbye, my child.

[end scene]

Scene 6

Narrator: And so the Muffin Militia retreats to the town dump, enlightened by their encounter with their creator: The Muffin Man of Niffum-Nap. They are still unsure as to their new purpose, but they have decided to leave the humans alone. Perhaps it is their fault they are forced to reside in a trash receptacle, but in the end it was all part of a plan much bigger than any could imagine. They will spend the rest of their days in the land of rotted, where they will rest in pieces 'til the end of time.