When Muffins Attack

At 3:00pm on Monday, the 20th day of the month of March in the year 2016 in Allentown, Pennsylvania on the east coast of the United States of America in North America on the planet Earth in the solar system in the Milky Way Galaxy in the local group in the Huniverse (silent "h"), Muffins will take over the world! It will be up to Aileend and Paige to save their friend Adria from the chocolaty clutches of the Muffin King (who is ironically human), who has somehow fallen in love with her even though they have never met. There will be kidnappings, deaths, battles, and Muffins - but only one side can prevail! Now on with the story…

"Hey Paige," Adria asked, "what time is it?"
"2:59."
"Hey look," said Aileend, "what's that?"
The three looked up and saw big things in the sky that seemed to resemble Muffins.
"Time?" asked Aileend.
"Time," Paige replied.
"Yay! Time for Muffins to achieve world domination!" Adria shrieked while clapping her hands excitedly.
"Let's get some popcorn and watch!" Aileend suggested.
So off they went to get some popcorn, oblivious to what was going to happen in the next 15 minutes.

"Hey Muffin 2," said Muffin 1, "ask Muffin 3 if he could do me a favor."
"Sure thing Muffin 1. Hey Muffin 3!"
"Yeah?"
"Muffin 1 wants to know if you could do him a favor."
"Sure I could. What's the favor?"
"Hey Muffin 1, Muffin 3 wants to know what the favor is."
"Tell him to get me a cup of coffee."
"Sure thing Muffin 1. Hey Muffin 3!"
"Yeah?"
"Muffin 1 wants you to get him a cup of coffee."
"Okay."
"And I need you to talk to Muffin B as well."
"Will do. Hey Muffin 4!"
"Yeah?"
"Tell Muffin B I need to talk to him - Muffin 2's request."

"Sure thing Muffin 3. Hey Muffin B!"
"Yes Muffin 4?"
"Muffin 3 needs to talk to you - Muffin 2's request."
"Interesting… Tell him to come now."
"Sure thing Muffin B. Hey Muffin 3!"
"Yeah?"
"Muffin B wants you to see him now."
"Sure thing Muffin 4. Hey Muffin B!"
"Hello Muffin 3."
"Hi!"
"I heard from Muffin 4 that Muffin 2 wanted you to speak with me."
"That's right."
"Well, talk."
"Okay. Muffin 2 wanted to know about the girl we're going to capture - Who is she and why are we capturing her?"
"Those are very good questions, Muffin 3. However, neither you nor your colleagues need to know the answers in order to complete the task I have assigned to you."
"Yes. Of course."
"Will that be all?"
"Yes Muffin B."
"Goodbye then."
"Okay. Hey Muffin 2!"
"Yeah?"
"Muffin B said that we don't need to know the answers in order to complete the task."
"Somehow I knew he was going to say that."
"Mmkay then. Hey Muffin 1!"
"Yeah?"
"The coffee maker is broken - Muffin 17 dropped it."
"Damn him!"
"Yeah yeah. Anything else you need?"
"No thanks Muffin 3."
"Okay then."

"Okay."
"Bye."
"See ya."
"Yeah. Hey Muffin 2!"
"Yeah?"
"I'm bored."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Congratulations! You win a cookie!"
"Really?"
"No."
"Damn you!"
"Yes, damn me, now go back to work."
"Fine then, maybe I will!"
"Good Muffin."
"Hmph!"
"Don't 'hmph' me! I'll tell Muffin B!"
"You wouldn't…"
"Yes I would."
"Damn…"
"Now back to work you go."
"Okay."

"Hey Adria."
"Yes Aileend?"
"Why do you like Muffins so much?"
"Because I feel like it."
"Oh… Okay then."

The next morning, news was spreading like a wildfire: Ellis Island had mysteriously sunk overnight! Not that anyone cared about the people or anything, all they cared about was the Statue of Liberty. Since the French had given it to them, they assumed it was the French that had sunk Ellis Island. So they decided to sue France for a new statue. Despite France's claim that they weren't the guilty party, America still pressed charges. After 5 whole minutes of bickering back and forth, America got all the countries in the world together (except Switzerland, they're neutral) and launched into war against France. It was the world (except Switzerland) vs. France. After all, nobody liked the French. So France was wiped off the face of the Earth, and all the citizens in the world (except Aileend, Paige, and Adria) went to India and had a huge party. Unfortunately, India also sunk overnight, bringing all the citizens in the world (except Aileend, Paige, and Adria) with it. Then it started. Major cities, such as Miami, Chicago, San Francisco, Philadelphia, London, and Paris disappeared. Then the capital cities, such as Harrisburg, Berlin, Springfield, Tallahassee, Jefferson City, Sacramento, and Washington D.C. all went poof. After those were the islands, and all the minor bodies of water (lakes, rivers, ponds, and creeks) were drained. Even the ancient city of Atlantis rose between what remained of South America and Africa!
"Hey, what about us?" Paige demanded.
"Oh, sorry, forgot about you," said Muffin 17 as he shot Paige's head off.
"I surrender!" shouted Aileend, fearing for her life.
"Good girl. And you," he pointed at Adria, "come with me."
"What? Why me?"
"I don't know… But you're coming anyway!"
"Okay, fine then."
"Good. Hey Muffin 10!"
"Yeah?"
"Order the fleet to sink Allentown (in Pennsylvania, not Georgia - nobody cares about Georgia)."
"Sure thing Muffin 17."
So Allentown sank and Muffin 17 returned to the Muffins' secret underground lair (shh, it's secret), bringing Aileend and Adria with him. After 2 whole minutes of walking, they were brought before the almighty Muffin King. He ordered Muffin 17 to take Aileend to a cell and leave him alone with Adria. Bewildered by this strange request, he asked Aileend who she was.
"Oh that's just Adria. She's kinda weird and likes to say muffin a lot."
"But why would the King request private council with her?"
Aileend shrugged, "Who knows? Maybe he's got a thing for weird people."
"Hah," Muffin 17 laughed, "he is not so stupid that he would trust a human again. Not after what they did to him…"

"Why? What did we do?"
"Kicked him off Earth is what you did," he replied. "He said that evil aliens were going to steal the sky, bit by bit, each year. People grew so tired of hearing him rant that they shoved him into a space shuttle and shot him into space. He eventually landed on our planet, where he told us his story and we made him the King of our people. He then told us that we were going to achieve galactic domination, starting with planet Earth. He also told us to capture a girl, but told neither who nor why. I can only hope that he means her no harm…"
They both stopped as they reached the cell, and Muffin 17 unlocked it. Aileend willingly stepped in, fearing that she would be shot on the spot if she didn't. He locked the door behind her and sat down. Unfortunately, after 10 long minutes of nothing, Aileend grew bored. So she took out a frappuccino.
"Hey Muffin," she said. "You must be thirsty."
"Hm, kind of, why?"
"Here," she held out the frappuccino, "drink this."
"Thanks," he said as he attempted to drink it. However, he ended up beating himself to death with the frappuccino instead. Aileend took that chance to snatch his key and free herself, and then helped herself to his weapons. Unfortunately, she didn't know which did what. They were exactly identical, but different colors. So she tried them each on the dead Muffin.
"I wonder what this orange one does," she said as she pulled the trigger. A steady stream of water came out. "Hm, guess it's a water gun. Now the blue one!" She pulled the trigger and once again, water. "Damnit, I need a real one! Maybe this yellow one is real." She pulled the trigger and saw a thin, shiny beam. "Ooh laser, pretty. Now red!" She pulled out the red one and pulled the trigger. "Yay a pistol! Now the green one." She pulled the trigger of the green one and water came out. "Yet another water gun." She sighed and pulled the trigger of the last one, a pink one. A thick beam came out. "Yay! So I have an orange water gun, a blue water gun, a green water gun, a red pistol, a yellow laser, and a pink laser." With that knowledge, she set off.

"What the heck?" Paige said to herself. "I thought that Muffin shot my head off. I should be de-" She then looked down at herself and screamed. Her skin was tinted aqua and she was hovering a few inches above the ground. In other words, she was a zombie. So she got up, grabbed a bazooka and a rifle, and ran… into Aileend.
"Aah, zombie!" shouted Aileend. "I'm so scared!"
"It's me, Paige!" the zombie shouted back.
"Oh. Okay," Aileend said as she lowered the green water gun. "So how ya doin'?"
"Oh I'm alright," she replied. "Just a little dead I've been better but it's not too bad."
"Haha," Aileend laughed, "you're funny."
"So Aileend, what are you doing here?"
"Nothin' much nothin' much, just trying to save Adria from the evil Muffin King, nothin' much nothin' much…"

"What? Why would we need to save her? What's he gonna do?"
"I have no idea."
"Well then how on Earth do you plan to save her?"
"I have no idea."
"Seriously?"
"I'm dead serious."
"And I'm dead!"
"I know."
"Okay then."
"Okay."
"Let's go."
"Okay."
So they went to look for Adria, unsure of why they were doing so. After 3 whole minutes of wandering aimlessly through the halls, they found a very large door.
"I bet this leads to the Muffin King!" Aileend suggested.
So they opened the door and went inside, only to find Adria in the cloaked arms of the Muffin King.
"Let her go!" shouted Zombie Paige.
"Why should I?" he asked.
"Because," Aileend replied, "you're the bad guy. You have to let her go or we'll shoot you.
"Um, okay then. How 'bout not?"
"How about yes?" Paige responded.
"Wait," whispered Aileend. "I thought I was supposed to shoot him."
"Well now I'm gonna shoot him."
"Oh no you're not!" And with that Aileend slapped Zombie Paige, triggering a 10 minute long fight. Unfortunately, it ended when Zombie Paige accidentally pulled the trigger of Aileend's red pistol, quickly sending a bullet through Adria's skull.
"Ow," she gasped as she fell to the floor dead. In an act that surprised both Aileend and Zombie Paige, the Muffin King dropped to his knees and began crying (or so they assumed, as the hood he wore covered his face).
"Why are you crying?" Zombie Paige demanded. "You were going to shoot her eventually anyway if I hadn't."
"What? No I wasn't. I could never kill her. She was the single most important thing in my life."
"Are you serious?"
"Of course I am."

"Wow, that's intense man."
"But now she's dead. You," he looked at Zombie Paige, "you're gonna pay."
"Ohhhh I'm sooooo scared," said Zombie Paige. "Not!"
"Oh you little…" He pulled out a sub-machine gun and shot Zombie Paige, which did nothing since she's a zombie. "Damn." He pulled out a shotgun and shot Zombie Paige, which once again did nothing because she's still a zombie.
"Ow, that hurt!" Paige taunted.
"Psh," he scoffed, "that hurt? I SHOT YOU WITH A FRIGGIN' SUB-MACHINE GUN AND A SHOTGUN! YOU SHOULD BE DEAD!"
"Umm, I am dead."
"Oh…"
"Idiot."
"Shut up."
"But I don't wanna."
"But I don't care."
"Well you suck."
"Have I ever mentioned that I don't care?"
"Nope."
"Well I don't."
"Good for you."
"Can I have a cookie?" Adria asked.
"I thought you liked muffins," Paige replied.
"And I thought you were dead!" added Aileend.
"Oh yeah, forgot about that. Hehe," she giggled.
"Adria! You're alive!" exclaimed the Muffin King.
"Noooooo, I'm dead. Duh."
"But… You look alive…"
"I'm greeeeeen. That means I'm dead."
"Oh."
"Hello Adria," said Yunfan as she pulled out a small handgun.
"Hi Yunfan!"
"How are you?"

"Adria, look out! She's got a gun!" the Muffin King warned.
"Huh?" she said as Yunfan aimed the gun at her.
So Yunfan shot Adria in the throat and she died… again. Because only a zombie can kill another zombie. Unfortunately, the Muffin King was an idiot and shot Yunfan with a bazooka. Zombie Paige then realized that it was up to her to get revenge for Adria. So she grabbed the pistol she had dropped earlier and shot Yunfan in the chest, killing her permanently. Meanwhile, Aileend was upset because she hadn't killed anyone yet. So she took out her pink laser, walked up to the Muffin King, and sliced him in half. However, that meant she was the only human left on Earth.
"Paige," she commanded, "you can float. Float me to South America!"
"Okay!"

"Oh mighty Gecko," Aileend pleaded, "teach me the secret of asexual reproduction!"
"Aileend," the Gecko responded, "my name is Nowhere."
"Oh, so you're the one that gave me the frappuccino!"
"Yes, that is correct."
"And the secret?"
"You are not worthy."
"That's not fair!"
"Too bad."
"I'll worship you forever!"
"You are worthy."
"Yay!"
"Follow me."
"Okay!"
So Aileend followed Nowhere to a green wall.
"You are not worthy," said the wall.
"Yes I am!" Aileend argued.
"No you aren't," it argued back.
Nowhere whispered something to the wall.
"You are worthy," it assured.
"Oh, the wall got served."
"Be quiet, stupid human."
"Stupid wall," she muttered.

"You just do it!" shouted part of the wall.
"With who?" Aileend asked.
"With you!"
"Ewwwwww."
"No, not me with you - you with you!"
"Ewwwwww."
"Oh don't be such a baby!" said another part of the wall.
"Shut up! The human race depends on me!"
"Wow, I guess the human race is screwed."
"Meanie," Aileend cried, "that wasn't very nice."
"Aww, I'm sorry."
"No you're not."
"Fine, I'm not sorry."
"Meanie."
"Oh come on," the wall sighed, "get over it already."
"Fine."
"Jeez."
"Hey Nowhere."
"Yes?"
"Can I have a donut?"
"No."
"You suck."
"SILENCE!"
"Who's Silence?"
Nowhere sighed. "Stupid human."
"Hey! I heard that!"
"Good for you."
"Yes, good for me. Very good indeed."

"Umm, Aileend," Zombie Paige shouted, "where are you? I'm getting soggy, and kinda bored. Just floating… in the ocean… Please come back… I'm a lonely zombie…"